The final stretch.
This month always seemed so far away, like I had all year to “get it” before it arrived. But I say hello to December feeling no better than I did on January 1st 2018. Where have the last 11 months gone and what have they taught me, so that I can make this month different.
There is no tomorrow, there is no next week. All I need right now is PRESENCE.
I spent this year planning for this moment – and how did that turn out? If I can take one lesson into this month, it is to be fully present…in the here and the now. Within this inhale, this exhale, this word.
I get ahead of myself, and when I do I neglect the girl within. I sit here nightly planning the early mornings I never get up for, the diets and workouts that never happen, the ideas I don’t put into action. I’ve lived the past 11 months of this year in my head, in the thought of “When I do this, it will be better ….I will be better”
But I am not better. Life is not better.
There is no tomorrow, there is only ever the here and the now.
I wish things looked differently, but how can I expect them to, when I’ve lived this year inside my comfort zone. I’m in the same place, doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts. Change is not born within this atmosphere
I don’t know what this month will hold.
It doesn’t matter.
Life will move forward without my planning it. Life will move forward without my consent. I need to let go of the needing to know. Instead, I will try to…
Attend to the tension
Attend to my heart
Do the hard things
Think the new thoughts
Behave in new ways
Feel what it feels like,
to be in this body
at this moment in time.
So, December. My last teacher of 2018, I’ve been studying, and I want to take the test. I want to show you all I’ve learned. I want you to be different. I want to be different.
Change only happens when we choose it and I want to choose a different ending to the story that has played out a thousand times over. I want to write a new ending to this year. And I move forward with only this thought…
If I can give myself
the gift of presence
a new ending will write itself.